I feel like I have been writing a lot about happiness. I am going through a time in my life where I finally feel happy. I will be making changes to my life in the coming months to make me even happier but lately I am feeling very lucky with how happy I am. Feeling good, feeling happy and feeling proud can be the hardest things. I compare and critique myself a lot, probably too much. But I grew up as a ballet dancer trained to find every flaw in the mirror and fix it. It made me critique everything.
I haven’t been happy in a bikini in years, I have always been self conscious, nervous, ashamed and scared. Why? well who knows I was the same way 2 years ago, yet I look at pictures of myself and laugh because heck I looked pretty good. Now I am not as muscular as I used to be, and I am not at the studio training 15 hours a week. So yeah I look different. I have focused on school, work, and the relationships in my life. I am incredible happy just not with my body.
I will be 100% honest, I was terrified to take these photos, the thought of everyone seeing me in a bikini was frightening. I see tons of people friends, bloggers, celebrities, on social media looking amazing!!! But I just compare myself more.
When we took these photos Brooklyn left for a vacation a few days after so I has to wait a over a week while she was gone to get the photos, I was so anxious to see how they looked and how I felt about them. For once I loved them.
I was shocked and so happy with how they looked. Sure I still see lots I can fix and I already have a plan in place to start working on that but hey this wasn’t so bad. Yes I have rolls, cellulite, fat, muscle, I got it all. I am not a size 0 or even a size 2 or 4. I am tired of feeling bad about myself because of the size of clothing I wear and how I feel comparing myself.
My goal for this year is to focus on feeling proud of my body and building back the muscle I had. I was very strong my legs were crazy strong same with my arms. I miss that and want more than ever to get it back. I am excited to have this as my release and escape from school and have a focus on building my strength. No I don’t want to bulk or get ripped, I prefer long lean muscles like the dancer I was/am.
Bathings suits are scary so why the heck to we put so much pressure onto looking good in them? I know so many people in all sizes and we all share the same fear: the judgement of wearing a bikini. But I don’t care, the haters, the judgers can go and think, say or type something mean but because mentally I know who’s opinion is important it doesn’t phase, me. You need to feel happy, that is all that matters. If that is a full piece, bikini, coverup, swim shorts, t-shirts whatever it is wear it don’t care what others say or do and feel happy with yourself. ( P.S This bikini I am wearing its only $12!!)